The Pain of Existing
by Glittercat33
Summary: "Why?" "It takes away the pain of... existing." Rated high T. May contain triggers. Homecoming universe.
1. Chapter 1

_Hello Marvel fandom! This is my first Spiderman story, so go easy on me! I just saw Spiderman: Homecoming, so this takes place in that universe. I've never read the comics, and I really don't remember the older movies (I'm in high school). I'm venturing out into some of my other fandoms, so expect more stuff like this!_

 _Half of this medical stuff isn't gonna be right, I'm making this up as I go. Sorry guys._

 _Please vote on my poll (in my profile), I need your feedback!_

 _Warning! Depressing as hell! May contain triggers!_

 _Again, this takes place in the Spiderman: Homecoming universe._

 ** _Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel._**

* * *

Peter's P.O.V.

I climb in through the window, shaking the rain out of my hair and checking to make sure the door is locked. Aunt May isn't home, but I'm not taking that chance.

 _I'm not good enough._

I pick up the small pocket knife that had been resting in my dresser drawer. Slowly, I flick open the small knife, bringing it to my left thigh.

 _It's all my fault._

I bring the blade down, slowly dragging it into the flesh of my leg.

 _Everybody hates me._

I make 3 more cuts on that leg, pausing after each slow swipe to watch the blood ooze out.

 _I'm not strong enough._

I move on to my right thigh, making four cuts on that leg as well.

 _I'm a disappointment._

I sigh, before pressing an old shirt against the cuts. The sudden pain brings me back to reality, and I'm left gasping for breath.

 _I'm not worth it._

I remove the shirt, now covered in blood, and close my eyes. I steady my breathing before applying pressure to the other leg.

 _I don't deserve to be loved._

Once the blood is off my legs, I wipe the pocket knife on the shirt as well, cleaning off the crimson stains. I toss the blade back into the drawer, and put my head in my hands.

 _I'm weak._

My eyes are watering like I'm about to cry. My limbs feel like deadweight, and my head is pounding with an oncoming migraine. I fall back, dropping my head on the pillow. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to stop the tears that are flowing steadily now.

Time passes as usual, and I wait for Aunt May to come home. By 8:30, she still isn't back. She should've been home over an hour ago. I see my hands start to shake. My heartbeat pounds in time with my head, and I can feel my chest tightening as I struggle to breathe. A panic attack. Great.

I take small breaths, on the verge of hyperventilating. I focus on my breathing, and my heart rate slows to its usual thumping rhythm. Ok. Better. But now I notice how truly exhausted I am. I close my eyes, and I am enveloped in unconsciousness.

I wake up to see the sunrise in my window. I roll over, and only when I feel the pain travel up my legs do I remember what happened. I quickly flip so that I can see the cuts on my thigh. They're mostly scarred over, but the deeper cuts are still bleeding a bit. And, even better, some of the blood is on my clothes. I head to the bathroom to put a bandage around my thighs, then I go back to bed. Everything hurts, but at the same time, I feel numb. Maybe more sleep would help.

* * *

"Peter? Wake up! Time for school!" Aunt May knocks softly on the door, waiting for an answer. When I don't respond, she opens the door a crack to peek in. "Peter?"

"Aunt May?" I ask horsely. I can't see very well, my vision is blurred with sleep. She frowns, walking toward the bed and placing a hand on my forehead. I blink slowly, waiting for what was surely to come next.

"Wait here." She leaves, heading for the bathroom. May returns with a thermometer and sticks it in my mouth. "Keep it under your tongue," she instructs. It beeps a minute later, and she frowns again at the reading.

"'M sick?" I mumble. May shakes her head.

"I think so. It says 99.8°F." She looks back at me, then back at the thermometer. "You're staying home, though. Don't want you getting any sicker."

She sweeps her gaze over me one last time, before turning to walk out.

"Wait," I call. May looks at me questionably. "Where were you last night?"

"Late shift," she states. "Now get some sleep." I don't need to be told twice. I'm still exhausted, and as the door shuts, I pass out.

* * *

I awake in a daze, hazy with fever. I actually feel worse than I did earlier. I listen in on the conversation going on at the door.

"Is Peter home? I would like to check on him." That was Mister Stark. Why was he here?

"He's sleeping right now..." Aunt May hesitated. "I guess. He's sick."

"Thanks." I heard footsteps approaching my door, then the doorknob turns and he's standing there. "Hey, kid, you awake?" I look up at him, blinking slowly. "I heard you were sick."

"Not sick," I mumbled. Tony scoffed, crossing his arms and giving me a pointed look.

"Kid, you look like you went to hell. Your eyes are glazed over with fever, and you're sweating, your face is flushed, and you can't even speak clearly. You're sick."

"No," I groan. "No sick."

"Yes sick. You know what, I think I might even take you to the Avengers tower. You do not look good," Mister Stark replied. "I'll go talk to your aunt. Get ready to go."

"M'ster Stark," I complained.

"Get ready, kid." I slowly sat up, grabbing a pair of sweatpants and putting them on. I put my phone in the pocket, and while watching the door, sneak the pocket knife in the other. "Let's go."

I stand up, using Mister Stark as an anchor. He puts his arm around me, helping me up. I close my eyes, disoriented from a sudden dizzy spell. Mister Stark looks at me worriedly, but doesn't say anything. He just continues to help me get to the limo waiting outside.

"Avengers tower, please." He tells the driver. "And be quick about it." He puts up the partition, before getting me settled. I'm lying down on one of the seats, Mister Stark across from me. "Peter, what happened?"

"Dunno," I slur.

"Were you out last night? In the rain?" I nod slowly. He puts his head in his hands. "Idiot. It was cold and rainy, and you decided to patrol anyway?" He exclaimed. "No wonder you're sick."

* * *

"Kid? Pete? Wake up!"

"Wha?" I ask sleepily.

"We're at Avengers tower, and I'm taking you to the infirmary. C'mon, get up." It's Mister Stark again, helping me stand up and walk inside. We pass Bruce Banner, who follows us to the elevator.

"How is he?" Bruce questions.

"Not good. Infirmary set up?"

"Yep." The elevator finally stops, and Mister Stark half walks, half drags me into the infirmary. The bed is already set up, and I'm helped into it. I sigh, glad to be lying down. Bruce quickly gets to work, putting a thermometer in my mouth. It beeps, and his eyes widen at what it says. He tries a different thermometer, but it gets the same reaction.

"What is 't?" I ask hazily.

"102.3° F. That's dangerously high." Bruce bites his lip. "Peter, I have to put in an IV line, just stay still." He swabs my arm, then pierces the skin with the IV needle. I feel a wave of tiredness wash over me, and I'm about to pass out again. "Peter, stay awake, don't fall asleep, ok? You can sleep in a few minutes." I nod. Bruce places a wet washcloth on my head, and I close my eyes from the small form of relief. "Peter! Still with me?"

"Need any hel- woah." Mister Stark freezes in the doorway.

"Tony! Keep him awake, do not let him close his eyes." Bruce orders. He draws blood, sending it to testing.

"How bad is it?" He asks.

"Fever is 102.3°F, and I need to hook up more IVs and such. It's easier to do it now, then let him sleep." Bruce swabs my arm again, inserting another IV. "Tony! Peter!"

"Ok, ok." He turns to me. "Hey Underoos, you can't sleep yet buddy, stay awake, just a little longer…" Whatever was in those IVs is making me even more drowsy, and all I can do is sit there. Bruce puts a clip on my finger, starting the steady beeping of a heart monitor.

"Peter, can you hear me?" I nod. "Good. In a minute, your blood test results will come back, then we'll determine whether or not you can sleep. Most likely, it's just a fever, but I need to make sure it's not something else." Bruce and Mister Stark exchange worried looks. Bruce bits his lips, and heads out to get the testing results.

"Wh't could 't be?" I ask, slurring the words a little.

"I don't want to scare you, kid, but it could be some kind of infection, or poisoning. There are some really bad ones that are similar to fevers, but-"

"Peter! I have your test results," Bruce pauses to look at the piece of paper in his hand. "Good news. Just a fever. A bad one, granted, but still just a fever. You can sleep if you want." I close my eyes, and am out in seconds.

* * *

 _Ok I literally made most of that medical stuff up, whoops lol._

 _So we know that Peter self-harms, and he's really sick right now. Well the Avengers will have to find out eventually!_

 _Leave a review, follow/favorite, and check in soon for the next update!_

 _Meow_


	2. Chapter 2

_Hi! Chap 2 here!_

 ** _Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel._**

* * *

Peter's P.O.V.

"Is he awake?"

"He should be waking up any minute now." A voice says. I groan, getting the attention of the people in front of me. "Peter?"

"Kid? You awake?" That voice was familiar.

"M'ster Stark?" I mumble.

"Yeah, kid, it's me. How you feelin?"

"Uggghhh," I moan.

"Not good, huh. That makes sense, considering the 102.3°F fever you have!" He frowns. I wince, covering my ears. Mister Stark takes a deep breath, sighing. "Sorry kid. Didn't mean to be so loud." I nod, putting my hands down.

"Alright, Peter, let's check your temperature again." Bruce Banner sticks a thermometer in my mouth, until it beeps. He reads the number, frowning a little. "Well, it's gone down enough so you're out of the danger zone, but it's still too high."

"That doesn't make sense. Doesn't he have enhanced healing?" Mister Stark asks.

"Yes, he does. That's the part I can't explain. Unless he has some other injury, his temperature should have gone back to normal." Bruce looked at me. "Peter? Anything you want to share with us?"

I shake my head. "No," I say.

"How about what you're feeling, like any dizziness, hot or cold flashes?"

"Um... I'm a little dizzy," I explain.

"You're also sweating profusely, and your skin is hot to the touch." Tony points out.

"I'm sick," I shrug. "What else can we do?"

"Well, the antibiotics I gave you seem to be clearing it up a bit, so I'll keep you on those. I would get some more sleep," Bruce advised. I nod, and close my eyes to try and sleep.

* * *

I wake up to find myself in a different room. Mister Stark is asleep in a chair, and Bruce is nowhere to be seen.

"Mister Stark," I whisper. "Mister Stark!" He lazily opens his eyes, becoming alert when he sees me.

"How you feelin?" He questions. "Good to see you finally awake."

"Actually, not bad." I do feel much better. "How long was I out?" Mister Stark laughs.

"Relax, Pete, just a few hours." I exhale in relief. "May called, by the way. She misses you." I smile at the thought of my aunt.

"So... when can I see her?" I ask.

"You do seem to be healthy enough," Bruce cuts in. "I think we might keep you for a few extra days, just to be sure." He puts the thermometer into my mouth, taking it out at the beep. He reads it, smiling, and nods. "99.2°F. Still high, but safe."

"There's a room already set up. We can eat, then I'll show you the room."

"Nah, I'm not hungry."

"Peter, hold on. Tony's right, you need to eat something. Especially since you were sick," Bruce states. "Not to mention your super metabolism."

"Ok, I guess I'm a little hungry," I admit. Mister Stark smiles, and calls for food. After eating, he shows me my room.

"You should be good, if you need anything just ask JARVIS. But, kid, if anything is wrong, anything at all, you come to me, ok?" He asks. I nod slowly. "Ok! Well, I'll be in the lab if you need me." He closes the door, leaving me to explore my room. It's quite big, with its own bathroom and a king sized bed. As cool as the room is, I'd rather get some fresh air. I reach for the window, pushing it up. Before I jump out, I grab my Spiderman mask. I left the rest of my suit at home, but I can get it later.

I hop out the window, sticking to the wall. I quietly slide the window shut, and hope that nobody comes in to check on me. I climb up the wall to the roof, and check my web shooters, which I also brought. I should have enough web fluid to get home and back, and have some to spare. I shoot a web, and head home.

Once I make it to Queens, I slow down. I can see my house from here, but I have to be quiet. I slide off the roof, peeking into the window of my room. I don't see anyone, so I crawl in. I spot my suit, and grab it, changing quickly. I also grab another change of clothes, and a bag to put it in. Then I climb outside and shut the window behind me.

I sling a web, on my way back to Avengers tower, but I spot someone being mugged at gunpoint. I swoop in, startling them. The person being mugged turns to run, and the mugger aims the gun at me. I hear the gun go off, and jump out of the way. I don't think it hit me...

I quickly disarm the mugger, taking the gun and throwing it aside. I web him up, and turn to check on the other guy. My eyes widen in surprise when I see him on the ground, bleeding out. I know what the bullet hit now.

"Sir? Sir! Please, no, you'll be ok, you'll be ok..." I'm crying now, fumbling with my phone. I type in 9-1-1.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"Please, help, I found this guy on the street, he's been shot!" I explain.

"Ok, where are you?"

"An alley, near the stadium. I can't stay with him though, I have to catch a train!" I lie. The dispatcher sighs.

"Fine. We're sending an ambulance now." The dispatcher hung up, and I hear sirens approaching. I shoot a web up, and perch on a nearby building to watch. I see the ambulance show up, and they start working. They took out a defibrillator, and shocked him several times. I watch in tears as the paramedic shakes her head.

I put my head down, tears flowing steadily now. I sit like that for awhile, but eventually I get up, and head back to Avengers tower. I climb in through the window, pulling off my mask. I grab my pocket knife, and go to the bathroom. I close and lock the door, stripping down to my underclothes. I grab the counter, staring at my reflection in the mirror. I'm a mess; tear stained cheeks, wild hair, and puffy red eyes.

 _I'm not worth it._

I take the pocket knife, slicing into my arm. I keep cutting, swiping at my arm over and over again, until I hear a knock at the door.

"Peter?" Bruce asked, sounding panicked. "Can you let us in?"

"Go away," I snap, still slicing at my arms.

"Peter, let us in," Mister Stark demanded. "So help me, I will kick this door in!"

"No!" I can't stop. My arms covered in blood, my blood. And it's all my fault.

"Alright!" I hear something strike the door, presumably Mister Stark's foot. The door kicks in, and the two of them grab my wrists. "You better have a damn good explanation for this."

* * *

 _So? Chap 2 is up! Yay! Leave a review! Thanks!_

 _Meow_


	3. Chapter 3

_Wow, I suck. Sorry. I wrote this in my spare time on my vacation._

 _I know absolutely nothing about medical stuff, and the internet wasn't available for most of the time, so it's not great._

 _I'm trying to update every Saturday now._

 ** _Disclaimer: I dont own Marvel._**

* * *

Peter's P.O.V.

 _"You better have a damn good explanation for this."_

"I... I-" I stammer, eyes wide in fear. "I'm so sorry, Mister Stark, I didn't... I..." I break down, my wrists still being held above me. Tony's stern expression softens, and I feel the pressure around my wrists disappear. My arms drop to my lap, and Mister Stark pulls me into a hug.

"Kid, I hate to do this, but we need to have a talk. Let's get you cleaned up first." He offered his hand to me, and I took it. I stood up slowly, nearly falling over when a wave of dizziness hit me.

"Dizzy?" Bruce questions, eying me. I nod carefully, holding a hand to my head. Blood dripped down my arms, staining the floor. Bruce took a couple of the towels, wrapping them around my arms to slow the flow of blood. "That should help a little."

"Thanks," I mumble. Mister Stark holds the towels on my arms, leading me to the infirmary. I keep my head down, staring at the blood-stained towels. When we reach the infirmary, Tony guides me to a bed, and Bruce gets out his supplies. He carefully removes the towels, throwing them into the laundry bin. He grabs a bottle, a washcloth, and a plastic bin.

"This may sting a bit." He pours the contents of the bottle over my cuts, cupping the liquid in the washcloth. I wince as he dabs my arms with the washcloth, taking deep breaths. The spillover went into the bin. I watched as little bubbles appeared in the cuts, cleaning them out.

"Hydrogen peroxide," Bruce explains. Tony hands him some cotton pads, and he pours more peroxide on those. "I'm sorry, Peter, but I need to make sure they're clean." I look at him questionably, before doubling over. Bruce was pressing the cotton pads into the cuts, and it stung like crazy.

"Pete? Still with us?" Mister Stark asks, lifting my head a little. I give a tiny nod. "It'll be over soon." He sits down next to me, and I bury my head in his chest, my forehead against his arc reactor. Bruce wraps bandages around my arms, tying them tightly.

"Ok, I'm done. How're you feeling?" I mumble a quiet response into Mister Stark's chest, too embarrassed to move. "Peter? Are you ok?" I move my head away from Mister Stark's chest, looking down at my lap.

"I'm fine," I whisper.

"Kid, you are anything but fine!" Tony scoffed. "We need to have a talk." I stiffen, breathing heavier. I shook my head, eyes darting around the room. I feel my heart beat faster, the blood rushing in my head.

"Tony, wait," Bruce warned, holding his hand out. "Peter, calm down, it's ok."

"I-I can't!" I panic. Mister Stark moves toward me, and I stand up to avoid him, backing away. Bruce grabs his arm, holding him back from me. Both of them have concerned faces. I reach for the door, running out into the hall.

I try a couple of doors, but all of them are locked. I'm trapped on this floor, and when Mister Stark finds me, he's going to be so upset. I lean up against the wall, sliding down into the fetal position. A quiet sob escapes my lips. I hate having panic attacks. They make me feel even worse than I usually do.

I listen to two pairs of footsteps heading toward me, and I don't fight when I get lifted up and carried into a secure room.

* * *

"Kid, Pete, please, just say something!" Tony pleaded. I feel bad about not responding, but I don't want to talk to him right now. "I hate to do this to you, but we need to talk."

"Tony, let me try." Bruce turned to me. "Peter, you can't leave this room until you talk to us. Or at least talk to one of us." Bruce glanced at Tony, who nodded in agreement. "I can leave if it makes you feel safer." I nod, and he unlocks the door to get out, before locking it again. Mister Stark takes a breath, then asks the question I've been dreading.

"So... I want to hear it from you. Why?" There's a long pause, and then I respond in a hushed whisper.

"It takes away... the pain of existing."

* * *

 _Whoops my hand slipped XD_

 _Peter's panic attack is basically what happens to ne when I freak out, so if it's confusing, sorry_

 _Meow_


	4. Chapter 4

_Ok, another chapter as promised! Every Saturday now!_

 ** _Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel._**

* * *

Peter's P.O.V.

 _"It takes away... the pain of existing."_

I stare at the ground, waiting for him to say something.

"Mister Stark?" I whisper.

"Yeah, kid?"

"Are you mad at me?" I hear my voice crack on the last word. Mister Stark sighs.

"No, Pete, just... I don't know how I feel about this," He puts his arm around me. "I know you've been through a lot, but you need to understand that hurting yourself is not the answer." I close my eyes, leaning into him.

"So what are we gonna do?" I ask after a long pause.

"You are not going anywhere until we have this little 'hobby' taken care of. Call your aunt, tell her you're staying for awhile." I flinch when he calls it a hobby, but I take out my phone nevertheless. I click on Aunt May's contact, and call her. She picks up on the second ring.

"Hello? Peter? Are you ok?" She asks frantically.

"I'm fine, but I wanted to let you know that I'm going to stay at Avengers Tower a little longer," I say.

"You're not still sick, are you?" She questions.

"No, no, I'm just going to be working on my internship here. Not permanently, just for now." She hesitates, and I hear her sigh.

"Ok, I guess. But I expect you to call at least twice a week, or I'll march down there and pick you up myself, you hear?"

"Yes, Aunt May. Bye!" I agree.

"Bye, Peter," she murmurs. "Be safe." She hangs up, and I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding. I heard my mentor outside the door, and remembered why I was staying here in the first place.

"Kid, you done yet?" He poked his head in, and I nodded. "Good. I called some of the other Avengers to let them know you're staying here, and, naturally, they have some questions for you. They're downstairs, if you want to-"

"No!" I yell.

"It's ok, you don't have to." I sigh in relief. "But sooner or later you're going to have to tell them something." I shake my head furiously. "Well, either you tell them, or I tell them."

"I don't want them to know," I whisper. His gaze softened, and he nodded sympathetically. He thought for a moment, before coming up with a solution.

"How about I tell them that you're going through some rough times, and leave out the details?" I give him a tiny nod. "Ok kid, I can do that." He turns to leave, and I suddenly remember something.

"Mister Stark?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I talk to Mister Banner?" He gives me a small smile, before nodding.

"Sure, I can go get him." He left, and a few minutes later, I heard a knock at the door.

"Come in," I call. Bruce walked in, fidgeting with a small object.

"You wanted to see me?" He smiled. "How are you feeling?"

"Better," I admit.

"That's good." He held out the object he was fiddling with. "I thought you might need this. It's a stress ball." I take the stress ball from his outstretched palm. "When you feel overwhelmed, or upset, or nervous, it helps distract you from not feeling good."

"Thanks," I say, squeezing the ball.

"No problem. I would keep that with you all the time, to keep yourself in control." He suggests. I nod, squeezing the stress ball over and over. "So... is there anything you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Yeah. How do you do it?"

"Oh, um, well, first of all, stay grounded. Try to think about the positives of a situation. Have something to distract you from bad feelings." Bruce gestures to the stress ball in my hand. "You can also think about something or someone that makes you happy."

"Ok, but what if I get... urges?" Bruce puts his hands on my shoulders, looking me in the eye.

"Peter. You are good enough. You are strong enough. You are enough. And don't ever let someone tell you you're not. Promise me that you won't hurt yourself again." He stares into my eyes, unblinking.

"I'll try."

"Promise me that you won't," he says again.

"I won't," I assure him. Bruce suddenly looks awkward, patting my shoulder. He clears his throat, eyes darting around the room to finally land on me.

"Ok, good. Um, I'll just, uh, I'll just go now..." He slips out the door, leaving me alone to ponder what he had said. I fall back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. Eventually, I feel my eyelids growing heavy, and fall asleep.

* * *

 _Ok, so not really great, whoops, but at least I stuck with my deadline! Yay! So I wrote this while floating down a river in a kayak..._

 _Next chapter comes next Saturday!_


	5. Chapter 5

_Hi again! Updates are still every Saturday, but if I miss one or two Saturday's in there, then assume that I'm either unable to get online, or that school gave me too much homework. :(_

 _Filler chap :(_

 ** _Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel._**

* * *

Peter's P.O.V.

 _Eventually, I feel my eyelids growing heavy, and fall asleep._

"Peter, wake up." I groan, covering my face with the blanket. "It's breakfast time." JARVIS informs me. I sit up slowly, letting the words sink in. When I fell asleep, it was still light out.

"Wait, what time is it?" I ask.

"It is 8:27 AM." JARVIS states.

"Holy crap! How long was I asleep?"

"You were asleep for 14 hours and 53 minutes." My eyes widen in surprise.

"Geez, I didn't think sleeping that long was humanly possible!" I quickly change into something less awkward, and head down to the kitchen. Mister Stark and Steve were sitting at the counter.

"Well, hello there, sleeping beauty. Nice to finally see you up."

"C'mon Tony, give him a break," Steve said. "Hey Peter. How're you feeling?" I turn to Mister Stark for an explanation.

"I had to tell him, kid, but I promise no one else knows yet." I nod.

"I'm ok." I flash a small smile at them. "Thanks for asking."

"Oh, and here's some food. I figured you would want pancakes, but feel free to get something else if you want." Mister Stark handed me a plate with 2 big pancakes on it, slathered in butter and syrup. I take a few bites, but end up mostly sliding the pancake around in the puddle of butter and syrup on my plate.

"Are you sure you're ok?" Mister Stark looks at me worriedly.

"I'm fine." I frown. "Just not very hungry."

"How could you not be hungry? You haven't eaten since, what, maybe noon yesterday? Kid, you need to eat. At least have some bacon," he insists, shoving a plate with bacon on it toward me. I take the smallest piece on the plate, and nibble at it gingerly. Then Bruce walks in, lab goggles on his head.

"You need those to eat?" Tony remarks. Bruce swipes at the goggles, putting them down on the counter. He grabs a plate of food, and sits down next to me. His plate is completely full, with eggs, pancakes, toast, and some fruit salad as well. He digs into his breakfast, and it doesn't take him long to notice my lack of eating.

"Peter, is that your plate?" He points at my virtually untouched pancakes, giving me a pointed look.

"Yeah." I poke the pancakes with my fork. "I'm not really hungry." I twitch nervously under his unwavering gaze.

"Tony, Steve, do you mind if Peter and I talk alone?" They both immediately stand up to leave, and Bruce turns his attention to me. "Do you have the stress ball I gave you?" He asks. I nod, pulling it out of my pocket. "Ok Peter, so what's bothering you?" I unconsciously squeeze the stress ball while thinking of what to say.

"I don't know. I just feel terrible," I admit.

"How terrible?" Bruce questions. I think for a moment.

"Like I got hit by a bus," I decide. "Which has happened to me before, and trust me, it isn't pleasant."

"It doesn't sound great, either." He frowns, studying my face. "Any idea why you feel so horrible today?"

"Other than the fact that I'm in this situation in the first place, not really."

"Do you want to talk about it?" After a long pause, I nod slowly.

"It started a year ago, right after I became Spiderman." I take steady breaths, trying to remain calm. "It was the night my Uncle Ben died." Tears sprung to my eyes. "There... there was this robber. I could've stopped him, I was there, but I didn't." Now tears were rolling down my cheeks. "He _shot_ Ben. And I didn't do anything to stop him. It's all my fault." I sobbed loudly. Bruce's expression was sympathetic.

"Peter, I had no idea. I'm so sorry," he tried to comfort me. I look up at him through teary eyes.

"Why do I have to lose everyone I love?"

* * *

 _SORRY_

 _Also Aunt May isn't dead btw_

 _I'm literally posting this at midnight whoops_


	6. Chapter 6

_Hi! I'm so excited that I'm ACTUALLY sticking to the schedule I said I would! Yay new chapter! Enjoy this crap-tastic angsty chap that has is literally just filler that I wrote at 11:30 pm on a Saturday, so basically don't expect much. :/_

 ** _Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel._**

* * *

Peter's P.O.V.

 _"Why do I have to lose everyone I love?"_

"What do you mean, everyone?" Bruce asked, worry evident on his face.

"My parents died in a car crash when I was little," I cried. "My aunt May is all I have left."

"Oh, Peter..."

Right then, Mister Stark walked back in. He stopped, looking back and forth between Bruce and I. Bruce gave him a look, then got up to leave. Mister Stark immediately came to my side, and I leaned against him. Now I was full on sobbing into his shirt, and he was trying to comfort me.

"Shhhh, it's ok kid, its ok." Eventually, my crying slowed to a hiccup.

I sniffed a few times, trying to calm myself down.

"Mister Stark?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you." My voice was softer than a whisper, mainly due to the fact that I had just broken down in front of my idol, for the 3rd time this week. That's gotta be a new record.

"Don't mention it, kid." He awkwardly patted my back, and I sat up. "But maybe next time, don't completely soak my shirt!" He smiled. I chuckled lightly in response. "Now, can you tell me why you were so upset in the first place?" My expression dropped.

"Mister Banner wanted me to talk to him about my life, and I told him about Ben..." Tears sprung to my eyes again, and Mister Stark laid a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"Pete, you know that wasn't your fault, right?" He questioned. I hesitate.

"But I could've-"

"It wasn't your fault. You did not kill Ben."

"But-"

"No, kid, you need to understand that even superheroes can't save everyone." Mister Stark stared at me with a fierce concentration. "You've saved so many people, Pete, and that is what counts. You can't save everyone, but you can try. And, kid, you're doing a good job."

"You think I'm a good superhero?" I whispered.

"Of course, Pete. It takes a real talent to be able to do what you do," Mister Stark paused for a moment. "And I'm not talking about your weird bug powers. I'm talking about your determination to do good."

"Wow... I never thought... thank you, Mister Stark!" I exclaim.

"Of course, kid. I'm just glad to see a smile back on your face," he stated, as he checked his phone. "Look at the time! Sorry bud, I have some work to do. I'll check in with you in a bit, alright?"

"Alright," I say, my face solemn. Mister Stark is busy, I know that, but I still wanted to hang out with him for awhile. He leaves, and I'm left alone in the kitchen. Sighing, I throw out my untouched pancakes and clean off my plate. I walk back up to my room, sitting on the bed.

"Ugh," I groan, bored out of my mind. I need to do something, anything. My Spiderman suit taunts me from the closet, begging me to go out as the web-slinging alter-ego. I close my eyes. Mister Stark didn't want me leaving. But if he doesn't know I left in the first place, then it isn't really breaking the rules, right?

It only takes me a split second to decide, and soon enough, I'm climbing out the window for the second time this week. I swing over the city, with no obvious destination.

A few hours later, I start heading back to Avengers Tower. I stopped a couple muggings, nothing big. That's when I hear the sirens.

* * *

 _I bet y'all hate me and I don't blame you lol_

 _I'm actually the worst_

 _Sorry if I miss a Saturday deadline but school is overwhelming me at the moment so I'm doing what I can with the time I have, speaking of which, I should probably do my homework..._


	7. Chapter 7

_Ok I'm back! Wow I actually stuck to the schedule! Yay! So I'm still very busy, but I will try to get a chapter out every Saturday. Thanks!_

 _Sorry it's so short_

 _This is unedited whoops XD_

 ** _Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel._**

* * *

Peter's P.O.V.

 _That's when I hear the sirens._

The sirens blared loudly, heading toward my apartment. Aunt May. No, I'm just being paranoid. But I should probably check it out anyways. I swing over faster than I ever had before, following the sound of the sirens. I feel my stomach drop as I stand on top of a building, overlooking the scene playing out below. It's like things are moving in slow motion. An ambulance is parked outside our building, and two paramedics lug a stretcher out the door. The person is in a body bag, and one of the paramedics goes to unzip the top.

"Female, about 40. Time of death is estimated to be approximately 3:51 PM, Saturday, November 2nd." My breath catches in my chest for a second, before I let out a quiet sob. May was the only one in the apartment building that fit. I watch through tears as the ambulance drives away, sirens off.

May. No. This can't be real. I have to be having a nightmare, it has to be! May can't be dead. She's not supposed to die.

"But who else could it be?" I thought. It had to be May. A sob catches in my throat, producing a quiet strangled sound. There's still people standing outside the building, some of them crying, but most of them are just nosy. May's dead. My May. I slink away from the edge of the building, slumping over into a ball. No. May... it can't be. Its not fair.

* * *

3rd Person P.O.V.

"Sir, Peter Parker seems to be in distress. It appears that there has been an accident concerning his aunt."

"Damnit," Tony cursed under his breath. He called for his suit, stepping in. "FRIDAY, set coordinates to his location."

"Right away, Sir." Tony took off, flying at top speeds to his kid. When he spotted Peter on top of a building in Queens, Tony was relieved. But the feeling didn't last long. Peter was sobbing uncontrollably, curled up into a ball. Tony's heart broke at the sight of the young superhero.

"Pete? Hey, hey, it's okay." At Tony's words, Peter just started crying harder. "Kid..." Peter was shaking. He picked up the teen, flying him back to Avengers Tower. When they arrived, Tony sat Peter down on the couch next to him.

"Pete? Hey Underoos, how're you feeling?" Peter cried harder. "Sorry, stupid question." Tony didn't really know what to do. The kid had just lost his aunt! What do you do? "Do you want me to leave?" Tony asked. Peter shook his head, grabbing a fistful of his mentor's shirt and crying into it.

They stayed like that for a few hours, letting Peter cry it out. Tony wasn't sure what to do with the kid. He looked down, watching the sleeping teen. His cheeks were tear stained, his eyes were red and puffy from crying, and he looked like a little kid in his sleep. Peter was snoring softly too. Tony was fond of the kid. He was going to miss him when the rest of his family took him in. Tony frowned at his realization. He didn't want to lose this kid. He yawned, deciding to worry about it in the morning.

Tony woke with a start, sitting up quickly. Peter was already awake, staring at him with wide eyes.

"Mister Stark?" Peter's voice sounded so small, and it broke Tony's heart.

"Yeah, kid?" Tony responded.

"What's gonna happen to me?" Peter asked, eyes full of fear and sorrow. Tony was startled. He didn't expect Peter to ask that.

"Um, well, kid, the next family member in line will take you, I guess." Peter had a weird uncomfortable look on his face. "Do you know who that would be?"

"I don't have any family left," Peter whispered. Both Peter and Tony were quiet after that. Tony leaned over to hug the young teen. "I thought we weren't there yet, Mister Stark," Peter gave a small half smile, but it disappeared soon after. "Where am I gonna go?" Tony thought for a minute.

"I'll figure something out, kid. For now, you'll be staying here." Peter nods, tears springing to his eyes. "Hey, hey, it's ok, everything's going to be just fine."

* * *

 _Ok so we're starting to see some Irondad fluff, cute yay! Rip aunt May tho :p_

 _A horrible event has happened in my town, so if it's depressing I'm sorry_

 _Stay tuned!_


	8. Chapter 8

_I'm back! I know that I always post these really late, but I literally write them right before posting so I can't really help that sorry :p_

 ** _Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel._**

* * *

Peter's P.O.V.

 _"Hey, hey, it's ok, everything's going to be just fine."_

"But how do you know that?" I asked.

"I know everything. Now, its getting late, kid, how about you go to bed?"

"Mister Stark, it's 8:30," I giggled a bit, but stopped abruptly, lost in thought.

"Pete?" Tony questioned. My mind wanders too far, and I have to be snapped back to reality. "Hey, earth to kid?"

"It's just," I take a few breaths, finding talking to be suddenly more difficult. "I don't have anyone left." Tony grimaced.

"Oh, kid," Tony's expression was one of pity.

"You know what, I'm feeling kinda tired. Maybe I will go to bed," I yawn. I can handle that, I'm sure.

"Alright, kid. I'll see you in the morning. Get some rest." I nod, walking down the long, dark hallway. More thoughts cross my mind, making me dizzy. The geometric pattern on the carpet flickers all over my field of vision, and I run into the wall. Disoriented, I try to sit, but I don't know what direction is where. And, with my abilities, that can be a problem. So it must've been quite a shock for Mister Stark to find a spider-powered teen crying on the hallway ceiling.

"Pete?! How-" I cut him off with a loud sob. So much for handling it. He's immediately by my side, or, at least as much by my side as he could be. "Hey, Pete, focus on me. Look at me." His voice was calm and steady, but the look of shock on his face told a different story. I tried to talk, but everything just came out in huge gasping breaths.

"Mister... Stark... I..."

"No, Pete, don't talk, focus on breathing." My chest burned, and I realized he was right. I wasn't breathing. "Breathe with me, in, out, in, out." I took in a small breath, gasping a bit at the relief in my lungs. I started coughing at how strange it was. Everything felt so surreal, like I was watching the scene play out rather than living it. "Peter! Breathe, dammit!" Tony's voice gripped me from my thoughts, bringing me back to reality. I took a deep breath, sucking in air quickly before forcing it out in a hushed exhale.

I suddenly felt more aware than I had before, and I slowly climbed down from the ceiling. Two arms were immediately wrapped around me, pulling me in tight. It was comforting, and more tears leaked out of my eyes as I remembered that May used to hug me like that.

"Kid, do not scare me like that again, you hear me?" I nodded, wiping my cheek and sniffing.

"I'm sorry you had to see that." I stare at my feet, avoiding eye contact.

"No no no, Pete, you have nothing to apologize for." Tony gave me a sad smile, straightening his posture. "Now, I think you should get some sleep. Goodnight, kid."

"G'night," I mumbled, my voice mulled over with sleep. I opened the door, shutting it tightly behind me. I click the lock into place, taking my position in the bathroom. Everything had been cleaned up, and my knife and razors were confiscated. I ransacked the drawers, driven by madness. After finding nothing, I fell to the floor, defeated. The voice wouldn't go away, either.

 _You're not good enough._

 _You're weak._

 _Just die already._

I hadn't thought of that before. I had never wished to die, but considering it now, it would be easier that way. Would dying end my suffering, or just temporarily suspend it? Would I still suffer in the afterlife? Was there an afterlife? Would anyone care if I died?

I sat on that bathroom floor, frozen in shock. I knew I shouldn't think like that, but it didn't seem like a bad solution. Maybe I should- no. Peter, stop that. Stop. Stop. _Stop._ The battle going on inside my head was cut short by a knock on the door.

"Pete? Open the door." It was Mister Stark. He sounded nervous, which confused me. Why was he upset? "Peter! Please, just open up!" I stand abruptly, making me dizzy. I lean against the wall, waiting for the spots in my vision to fade. More knocking. I open the door, and he grabs both of my arms, inspecting my wrists. "Let me see your legs."

"Mister Stark, I didn't, I swear-"

"It's ok kid, I believe you. But you're spending the night in the med bay, I want to keep an eye on you." I'm slightly surprised, but I don't argue.

"Okay."

* * *

 _Whoo! I suck!_

 _I'm just amazed that it's actually still Saturday lol_

 _Stay tuned_


	9. Chapter 9

_Hi! Sorry I missed Saturday, but lets be honest, we all knew it was going to happen. At least I have a good excuse, I was feeling pretty sick and spent the day basically glued to the couch watching Black Panther and a couple episodes of Supernatural and Teen Wolf. Anyway, lets move on with the story..._

 ** _Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel._**

* * *

3rd Person P.O.V.

 _I'm slightly surprised, but I don't argue._

 _"Okay."_

Tony led Peter down the hallway, keeping an eye fixed on him rather than where they were going. That was ok. Tony could walk these halls in his sleep, he's done it so much. His bedroom was in the same hallway, after all.

The pair made their way to the med bay, earning a knowing glance from Bruce and, surprisingly, a nod from Nat. Peter shudders slightly, remembering what he was in here for last time. Tony noticed this move, and glanced at Bruce. He shrugged, and Nat sighed, taking action.

"How about we set up a couple of beds near each other?" Getting no response from the men, Nat groaned. "Great. I guess I'll start then." She glared at Bruce, who scrambled after her. After all, Nat's death glare could give anyone chills. They pushed another bed into the med bay, putting it close, but not too close, to the other bed.

"Wonderful. Kid, you're on that one." Tony pointed to the one that had already been in the room. "Also, just so you know, I told FRIDAY to wake me up if your heart rate gets too high." That earned him a guilty look from Peter. Tony's expression became sympathetic. "Pete, you know this isn't your fault, right?" Tony said softly. That's all it took to break Peter's floodgates. Tears came streaming down his face, soft sobs escaping his mouth. Clint walked in, freezing at the doorway. Nat gave him a look, and he scrambled to her.

"Peter-" Nat cupped a hand over Clint's mouth, telling him to shut up.

"Let me handle this." Nat quietly cleared her throat, walking over to where the young spider was sitting. "Peter, you know how she died, correct?" Earning a nod from Peter, she continued. "Then you know you couldn't of caused this." No response. "Listen to me, this is _not_ your fault. None of this is." She gestured wildly around the room. Peter sniffed quietly, trying to hold it together.

"Look, kid, what's Nat's saying is that it's ok to mourn, but don't blame yourself for something you couldn't possibly have done. It's not your fault, you hear?" But Peter didn't hear him. He was too caught up in the voices in his head, the voices that started this whole mess.

 _It would be better that way, if you were dead too._

 _They don't care about you, in fact they're just waiting for you to just kill yourself already._

 _You_ _did this. It's all your fault._

Peter was zoned out, completely unaware of the Avengers in the room with him.

"Pete. _Pete._ Hey, are you listening to me?" Tony was waving a hand in front of his face, but got no reaction from the bug-powered teen.

 _You're a worthless piece of shit._

 _Just die._

 _Nobody loves you anyway._

"Shut up," Peter said through clenched teeth. "Shut up!" He balled up his fist, ready to start throwing punches. His body was shaking, and his eyes were scrunched up.

" _Peter_!" Tony yelled, grabbing the teen by his shoulders. "It's not real!" Nat went around them to grab Peter's arms. "It's not real!"

This time, Peter seemed to hear them. His arms stop flailing, and his eyes open wide.

"I-" Peter freezes. He bolts for the door, but doesn't open it. "Please, I... I don't... I'm not... Just leave me alone!" He sobbed. The rest of the Avengers watched the younger break down completely. Nat flicked her head toward the door, and Clint followed her out, walking around Peter. Bruce went to the back room, giving Peter and Tony some space.

"Hey, Pete, it's ok, you're safe here." Tony bit his lip, waiting for a reaction from the teen. He lifted his head ever so slightly, and Tony took that as his cue. "What did you hear?" Peter grimaced, but responded nevertheless.

"This is gonna sound crazy," he began, avoiding eye contact. "I hear these voice sometimes, telling me to do... _things._ " Peter shook his head, frowning.

"Can you hear them now?" Tony asked, his expression hardened. Peter went silent for a minute, before answering.

"Yes."

"What are they saying?" Peter didn't respond. "Answer me, what are they saying?!" Tony was growing frantic. "Damnit Peter, answer me!" A single tear ran down the younger's cheek, making a small track. "Oh, kid." Tony pulled Peter into a sincere hug.

"Mister Stark?" Peter asked, his voice cracking.

"What is it, Pete?" The teen took a deep breath, closing his eyes.

"They tell me to hurt myself." Peter let a sob escape his mouth. "Sometimes they tell me to- they tell me to kill myself." His voice was trembling, and the tears were constantly flowing from his red, puffy eyes. Tony was quiet for a minute, before pulling him back into a hug.

"It's ok kid, I'll take care of you."

* * *

 _I should write longer chapters, leave a review if you agree._


	10. Chapter 10

_It's short, but I had pSATs, plus I've been feeling horrible for awhile! Sorry!_

 ** _Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel._**

* * *

3rd Person P.O.V.

 _Tony was quiet for a minute, before pulling him back into a hug._

 _"It's ok kid, I'll take care of you."_

Tony held tight to the boy, keeping him close. Peter listened to his mentor's heartbeat, leaning into the hug. Tony did a total dad move, grabbing Peter by the shoulders to look him in the eye.

"You should get some sleep. Hey, I'll see you in the morning, ok?"

"I thought you were staying here?" Peter asked, puppy eyes in full swing.

"I am. But I'm going to sleep, so..." Tony trailed off. The teen nodded in understanding.

"'Kay." Both heroes went to their respective beds, relaxing into the soft mattresses. Peter fell asleep quickly, having tired himself out. Tony, on the other hand, couldn't stop thinking. He knew what he had to do.

Peter deserved so much better than this. He had lost his entire family before he turned eighteen. The kid couldn't even drive yet! Tony sighed, looking at the sleeping kid next to him.

"I swear kid, I'm gonna make it better," Tony promised quietly. "FRIDAY, wake me up at 6, but don't wake the kid."

"Sure thing, boss." He eventually fell asleep, a plan in mind for the morning.

After a silent alarm from FRIDAY, Tony was up and ready to put his plan to action. He snuck to his lab, trying not to wake Peter.

"FRIDAY, how do you adopt someone?"

* * *

 _I bet you can guess what's happening next! Sorry its so short, especially after I promised longer chapters! The next one will be longer, I swear!_

 _I'm honestly trying my best. I've been so busy lately, but soon enough I have more time to write. And, if I have more time, the chapters could be longer/better/more frequent! So, bear with me as I finish up sports season, and come back soon for the next chapter!_

 _Also, vote on my poll! I really want to know what you guys think of my ideas!_


	11. Chapter 11

_So I know I haven't been writing for awhile, and I really am sorry. I'm kinda going through some stuff rn and I want to write but it's just been really hard to find the motivation. I also_ _really don't know where I'm going with this story..._

 _Anyway, moving on, soon I'll have more time for writing, but I also have other projects I need to work on, so forgive me! Sorry._

 _I've never adopted someone (I'm 15) so if any of this information is kinda off, whoops._

 ** _Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel._**

* * *

3rd Person P.O.V.

 _"FRIDAY, how do you adopt someone?"_

"To adopt a person, first you must schedule an interview with a social worker. They will also conduct a background check and search your house. Would you like me to set up an appointment now?"

"Sure," Tony smiled. Hopefully Peter would be okay with being adopted.

"Sir, your appointment is scheduled for noon tomorrow."

"Thanks, Fri," he thanked the AI, before asking to call Pepper to tell her the good news. She had been on vacation for awhile, but she was supposed to come back next week. Tony froze, remembering that she didn't know about any of this so far. He wrinkled his nose, but proceeded to call her nevertheless.

After explaining the situation to Pepper, who had watery eyes by the end of it (Tony did too), she agreed that adopting him was probably best. After all, they had always wanted a kid.

~Some time later~

Peter's P.O.V.

I woke up with a start. My eyes immediately darted to the empty bed next to me.

 _He doesn't care about you! He didn't even stay._

My eyes teared up. Mister Stark, my idol and father figure, didn't stay. He didn't stay. _He didn't stay._ As I processed this thought, the voices returned.

 _Worthless._

 _Nobody wants you._

 _Just kill yourself already._

 _die. Die. DIE._

Scrunching my eyes shut, I clamped my hands over my ears in a feeble attempt to make it stop. Make the voices stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

They wouldn't stop.

 _Kill yourself._

 _You're not good enough._

 _Useless._

I couldn't take it anymore. In one swift movement, I threw the blankets to the ground, running like a mad man to grab my web shooters. I climbed out the window, and swung as fast as I could to the top of a skyscraper. I stood at the ledge, staring down at the streets of New York. I shuffled my feet to be on the very edge of the roof, letting my toes dangle over.

 _Coward. Bet you won't have the guts to do it._

 _Just jump already._

 _Nobody wants you alive._

I let the silent tears slip out. The voices in my head were right. I sobbed over the street ledge, hiccuping softly.

 _You're such a baby._

I waited for my tears to slow, then wiped them away. I couldn't do it anymore.

I closed my eyes, and jumped.

~Meanwhile...~

Tony's P.O.V.

"All right, Mister Stark, you've completed the house search and background check. We assume you have the funds to provide for this child you wish to adopt, is that correct?"

"Correct." I was calm, cool, and collected on the outside, but inside I was celebrating. I was going to be able to adopt Peter!

"Ok. Fill out these forms, and return them to Social Services. Congratulations on your new child," the adoption agent stated monotonously. He left the large building, and I did a small little celebration dance. Now I could only hope that the good news would help the young hero feel better. Speaking of, where was he?

"FRIDAY, where's Peter?" I wondered.

"He just left the building. He's heading east," the AI answered.

"What!? Why didn't you tell me?"

"You were speaking with the agent. You said not to interrupt unless there was an emergency," it replied.

"This is an emergency!" I yelled with frustration.

"Sorry sir. I will be sure to alert you next time." I sighed.

"Get my suit ready. Put his coordinates in and set it for autopilot." I ran down the hall, taking the elevator to get to my suit. Climbing in activated the autopilot setting, and I was immediately shot into the sky, heading east. I didn't fly far before I saw him, standing on the edge of a building. no. No. NO. Quickly switching the controls to me, I flew in closer, without getting close enough to disturb the spider-powered teen. I saw his eyes close as he bent his knees and sprang forward, falling down toward incoming traffic.

"Peter!" I gasped, flying at full speed toward the free falling kid. I caught him a few feet above the cars on the street below. His eyes were still closed, and his face was contorted in a way that suggested he was in pain.

"Oh, kiddo..." I looked down at his face with sadness. He was so young. He was almost legally my kid. He was a hero. It slowly began to register with the teen that he was being carried. He squinted up in confusion, before a horrified expression came over his features.

"Mister Stark? Are you... are you dead too?" He closed his eyes again, face solemn. I hadn't answered him, in fear of some type of jolt reaction. "'m sorry," he mumbled. He went limp in my arms. The sudden deadweight surprised and scared me, but he seemed to be exhausted. He would be ok- wouldn't he?

* * *

 _I AM SO SORRYYYYYY_

 _I really haven't been updating (and for that I apologize) but I did start up again! I had to re-read the entire story to try to plan out this chapter (oops). I know it's been like a year since I updated (augh, sorry) but I will finish what I started, so don't worry about that. It might be slow, but it's progress._

 _Now, when I started this story, I didn't really have a lot of Spiderman content written. But now, while there still isn't a whole lot, there are a few stories and a collection of one-shots (please please please read them!) for you to enjoy. I promise to all of you that I will finish this. If you want to help, leave a review, follow/favorite, or pm me about what I should focus my attention on first. Thanks, as always!_


	12. Chapter 12

_I'm trying my best to update this_

 ** _Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel._**

* * *

3rd Person P.O.V.

 _He would be ok- wouldn't he?_

Tony flew through the air, carrying an unconscious teenager in his arms. More specifically, a certain spider powered teen. He flew right through the ceiling, not caring about the damage he caused.

"Please be ok, please be ok," he chanted under his breath. Tony laid Peter down on his bed in the med bay, quickly scanning him to check for injuries. He was lucky. None. Tony paced back and forth, trying his best to comprehend what had just happened. It shocked him to his core. He knew Peter had been cutting himself, but a suicide attempt hadn't even crossed his mind. He stiffened, freezing midstep.

Maybe suicide hadn't crossed his mind, but it had certainly crossed Peter's. The poor kid was clearly upset by something. Tony believed that he knew Peter well enough to know that he wouldn't have attempted suicide without a reason. But what had happened to make him resort to this? Tony didn't know, but he was in luck. Peter stirred in his sleep.

Peter's P.O.V.

I groaned, stretching a little. Yawning, I slowly opened my eyes to see a frantic looking Mister Stark staring back at me. Then it all came flooding back. I sat bolt upright, feeling the fear rise in me, creating a chill within. I watched as my idol's eyes filled with concern, and his face twist into a frown.

"Pete. Kiddo, you gotta breathe," he whispered, just loud enough for me to hear without freaking out any more. I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding, and felt some of the chill disappear. I breathed in and out, in and out, steadily, until the fear crept back down. "Good job Pete. That was good."

"Mister Stark? Wha- what happened?" He winced ever so slightly.

"Kid, you tell me. I found you hurtling towards the city streets, and that's all I really know," he admitted. "Do you know why you decided to jump?" I tried to search for blame in his tone, but I couldn't find any. He was sincerely worried.

"You... you left." I looked down at my arms, frowning at the vivid marks and scars that danced their way across my skin. I closed my eyes, disgusted with myself and what I had done. Mister Stark didn't deserve any of this. I sounded like a spoiled child.

"Pete... I didn't want to wake you up. I got up extra early. Speaking of, I have a surprise for you," he grinned. "Wait here. I'll be right back." He left the room quickly, leaving me alone with my worst enemy: my brain.

 _Loser. He probably just said that to get away from you._

 _He's not coming back._

 _Pathetic._

"Shut up shut up shut up!" I screamed, covering my ears. "I can't take it anymore! Just shut up!" My face was red hot, and the tears running down my cheeks were no different. I sobbed loudly, trying to ignore the voices in my head.

 _Wow. What a baby._

 _No wonder nobody wants you._

 _Stop crying, attention whore._

I screamed out again, squeezing my eyes shut as tight as I could. I raked my nails up and down my scarred up arms, the physical distracting me from the mental.

"Peter!" Mister Stark yelled, running into the room. "Hey, kiddo, it's ok, just try to relax." He gently gripped into my arms, pulling them apart and carefully setting them in my lap. I was quite a sight- puffy eyes, tear stained cheeks, red inflamed wrists, the whole nine yards.

"Pete..." He sighed. "I don't know how I can help. I'm trying my best, and I promise I will continue to do my best, especially for you. I know life's been pretty rough on you lately, and I also know that this won't solve all your problems. What I'm trying to say here, kiddo, is that... I'm adopting you. I hope you don't mind." My brain exploded with new feelings, ones of happiness and astonishment.

"Adopted?" I managed to squeak out. I was frozen in place, unable to move or comprehend what was going on.

"Yeah Pete. Adopted. I have the papers right here, see? As soon as I legalize the document, you officially become my son. Whadda think?" His face was hopeful, and it made me feel good inside to know that even if my biological family was gone, I still had Tony. I smiled, a real genuine smile, in what seemed like forever. But as quickly as my smile appeared, it was gone.

"I don't know..." Everyone I had ever loved, had ever held close enough t I be family, had died. And if I got too close to Tony and the Professor, they would be gone too. But the difference here was that the city would never survive without its protectors. It needs Iron Man and Hulk and all the other Avengers. As much as I wanted to accept Mister Stark's offer, getting adopted would only create more trouble for them.I

"You don't know? Are you feeling ok? Cause you just turned down the opportunity to be the son of a billionaire superhero," he frowned. "Why don't you get some sleep. You can make a decision in the morning." He walked to the doorway, flipping the light switch as he passed it. "Sleep well, kiddo."

* * *

 _I know, it's still short. But hey, I had a reason to stop it here. The next few chapters are going to be shocking (if I go with my current plan), but I'm going to try and have a happy ending. Well, goodbye for now, and see you (hopefully) in the next week or so for the next chapter!_


	13. Chapter 13

_I'm really glad I got my motivation back, because it means I can update this story more often! I'm really excited to get these chapters out... ugh shut up already just get on with it_

 _Thank you to everyone who read this story, it's been super popular (more so on Wattpad but still one of my top fics on here) and I just wanted you all to know how much your support means to me. Thank you everyone, I love you all._

 ** _Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel._**

* * *

Peter's P.O.V.

 _"Sleep well, kiddo."_

I heard the door click, signaling to me to put my master plan into action. I leaped off the bed, stealthily creeping across the floor. I carefully opened the door, watching as Mister Stark walked back to his room. I expertly attached myself to the ceiling, crawling right past his closed door. I dropped down at the door that led to my room, listening for the quiet click that signified that the door was open. I snuck in, grabbing my Spiderman suit, and backed out, leaving the room the same as I found it, with only the one difference.

I crawled back up the wall, quietly sneaking back past Mister Stark's room to return to the med bay. I closed the door behind me, locking myself away from everyone else. They don't need to get hurt. They don't need to deal with Parker luck. I can save them from some terrible, tragic death that I couldn't save my family from. And if saving them means I can't be here, then I guess I'll leave.

I rubbed my fingertips over the fabric eagerly. It had been so long, too long if you ask me, since I had donned the red mask. I undressed, dropping my clothes into my backpack. I pulled the suit up over my body, pausing only for a fraction of a second when I caught sight of my scars. I shook it off. This is for the greater good. I stretched my mask over my face, frowning at the difficulty I had breathing through it. Oh well. It would have to do.

I opened the window, silently jumping out onto the roof. I pushed the window back as much as I could, leaving it only a tiny crack open. I was out.

"Karen? Any crimes I can stop?" I asked hopefully. I might as well help some citizens first.

"Yes. Armed men have broken into a jewelry store, located 2 blocks away from here. There are hostages, but none are harmed." I flipped backwards off the roof, diving toward the city streets. I shot a web, swinging freely through the crisp autumn air. Once I reached the jewelry store, I perched on a lamppost, planning my strategy. I smirked at the robbers, knowing exactly how to take them down.

"Karen, how many hostages are there?"

"3. They are being held behind that door." I sprung into action, taking down the robbers with ease. I webbed them to the wall. They're the police's problem now. I tried opening the door to get to the hostages, but it was locked. I kicked it down, frightening the robbers inside. I grabbed two of the hostages, carrying them to safety on a nearby rooftop. I swung back inside, but didn't see anyone else.

"Karen, where-"

"Back off or I'll shoot." One of the robbers held the last hostage at gunpoint. I immediately raised my arms, attempting to lure him into a false sense of security.

"Look man-"

"Shut up! If you want to both leave here with your lives, I suggest you let me go." He gestured at me with his gun. "You've got ten seconds to go before I shoot. 10." I panicked internally, trying to make a decision while he counted down the seconds. "9." I was frozen in place. "8. 7." What can I do? "6." I couldn't very well let him go. "5. 4." But I couldn't let him shoot the hostages either. "3. 2." This was it. I had to choose now. "1." Bang. The hostage was shot right in the head, and was dead in seconds.

"You should've left when you had the chance." He raised his gun toward me, aiming straight for my head.

"N-no, wait!" The gun fired, and I flipped sideways to avoid the bullet's path. But I was off on my timing, and the bullet ripped through my abdomen. I cried out in pain, dropping to the ground.

"Now I've got you." I heard the gun click, seemingly out of bullets. The robber growled in frustration, slamming the butt of the gun into my head. He ran off with the stolen goods, leaving me at the scene of the crime. My vision was spotty, my head aching. The streetlights shone too brightly, the hum of electricity was way too loud.

"Karen...?"

"Hello Peter. You appear to have a moderate concussion, and a wound on your lower right. Your injuries could become critical if left untreated. Would you like me to call Tony?"

"No," I grunted. "That'll be all." I pushed myself into a sitting position, inspecting the bullet wound. I groaned at the extreme pain it was causing. The bullet hadn't gone all the way through, so I had to get it out as soon as I could. The wound was bleeding heavily, much to my dismay. I shot a web over the hole, as a temporary bandage, and struggled to stand up. I leaned heavily on the empty shelves, dragging myself past the counter and out the door.

"Karen, where's- ah, where's the closest alleyway?" My vision lit up with the path to take.

"Your injuries are worsening. Best treatment option- rest. You should stop moving."

"Thanks, but I really need to get out of here before the cops show up." I swing my way over to the alley, tucking myself behind a dumpster. The single streetlight was barely enough light to see, but it'll have to do. I peel the mask off my face, getting a breath of the cold New York air. My head wasn't nearly as bad as the bullet wound, but it was still something that needed to be addressed. How do you even treat a concussion?

"Karen, how do you take care of a concussion?"

"The best treatment is to rest both your brain and your body," the AI answered. I groaned. There was no way I would be able to rest, not like this. I was on the run, homeless and living on the streets now. I didn't have the luxury of rest. I sighed, instead checking on the bullet hole. I took off the loose webbing, by then it had turned a sickening shade of red. I couldn't tell if the bullet hit any organs or not, but I did know one thing: it had to come out.

"Peter, removal of the foreign object requires professional medical treatment. Contacting Tony."

"No no no! Karen- oh, h-hi Mister Stark," I greeted uncertainly.

"Peter!" I cringed at the sound of my full name. He only called me Peter when he was angry. "What the hell is going on?"

"Nothing! Nothing. Everything's fine, why?" I asked nervously.

"Then explain to me why Karen called me at 1:30 in the morning? And why your vitals aren't regular?" I stuttered something incomprehensible into the speaker. "Stay where you are. I'm coming to get you."

"What?! No! Please don't- I-I mean you don't have to! I'm fine, really!"

"Kid, I can smell your lies from a mile away. Don't even try."

"N... no..." I slurred, the world slowing down around me. "'m f'ne." He must've picked up on my strange voice.

"Pete?! Kiddo?! Hey, don't you call asleep on me! I need you to keep talking, ok? I'm almost there." His tone was much more frantic than before.

"But... 'm so tired..." My eyes closed, my conscious lulling me into a gentle sleep. "G'night, 'ister Stark."

* * *

 _don't worry I hate me too_

 _Well there you go, a new chapter! I told you something was going to happen... Hehehe... Don't even lie to me, I know you all secretly love it_

 _a little self-promo here! If you like this story, go check out my one shots! Lots of Spiderman whump in there... It's called Far From Life if you're interested (which you should be, obviously). Anyway, see you soon for the next update!_


	14. Chapter 14

_I'm updating this so much and I really hope it's beginning to make up for the whole ass YEAR I didn't update for. Oops. Well, I hope y'all are enjoying this so far (you keep coming back for some reason) and I hope you continue to like it (please)_

 _Check out my other garbage stories pleaseeeeee I have some one shots and some short 1 or 2 chapter stories too. They aren't really going anywhere, but hopefully that will change soon._

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel.**_

* * *

Tony's P.O.V.

 _"G'night, 'ister Stark."_

"No, no, no, no, kid, " I whispered to myself. Peter wasn't responding, which meant bad news. I've had enough concussions to know that the way he was acting, paired with his irregular vitals, hinted at a serious problem. And everyone knows if you fall asleep, you could become comatose. Not good.

"FRIDAY, how much longer?" I asked, impatience and worry colliding in my brain.

"Estimated time: 2 minutes."

"2 minutes?! Damn, he went really far from the tower... even after my explicit instructions not to leave the building. He is going to get a piece of my mind when he wakes up!" I muttered to myself. My eyes widened in fear and worry. " _If_ he wakes up." I shook my head. No. I can't think like that, not now, not when the life of my kid was at stake. I landed in a dark alleyway, barely lit up by the single streetlight nearby. I scanned the seemingly empty alley, searching for the spider-themed hero. He was tucked up against a dumpster, unconscious.

"Pete. Peter! Kid? Can you hear me?" I gently slapped his face, in a desperate attempt to wake him up. He stirred a bit, but it wasn't enough to wake him from his slumber. Pure adrenaline pulsing through my veins, I scooped up the teen and shot into the sky, hurtling toward the tower at top speeds. It pained me to think about the fact that this was the second time in two days that I had carried him home like this.

"First a suicide attempt, then this? I don't understand..." I frowned. It seemed to me like emotion was the one thing I could never truly get. I could probably crack time travel in my lifetime, but that's different. Science is usually predictable. Emotions aren't. It was a simple, yet big difference, separating the two with a bottomless chasm. A chasm I had yet to cross.

Once we had arrived at the tower, I promptly took Peter to the med bay. He was in bad shape, I could tell just by looking at him. And was that a bullet hole? I was going to need some help if we were going to keep him stable.

Peter's P.O.V.

 _Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep._

I listened to a slow, but steady rhythm. It was somewhat calming, this mystery beat. I felt relaxed, like I was floating on a fluffy cloud on a warm summer day. I felt at peace, warm, comfy, and completely numb. Wait. Numb? And it wasn't everyday numb either, it was like I couldn't feel anything. Like I was... detached. Something wasn't right here. I opened my eyes, only to be greeted by darkness.

"Hello?" I called. My words bounced back at me, an echo rebounding off some invisible wall. I squeezed my eyes shut, muttering to myself.

"This isn't real, this isn't real, this isn't real!" I gasped, sitting up quickly, only to be restrained by a strong, yet gentle force on my chest. I tried to push away the hand, but I couldn't move my arms. They were strapped down on the bed. I kicked and screamed, frightened and in pain. As the pain grew, I slowed down, restrained by my body's limits. I fell back, collapsing into a pile of fluffy pillows. I lay there, breathing heavily.

"I told you the restraints would freak him out."

"I was well aware of that, but he would've been scared either way. At least he can't really do more damage to himself," Professor Hulk pointed out. "Tony, I think you should be the one to talk to him. After all, you know him a lot better than the rest of us do."

"I don't know... He didn't seem to like the idea of adoption much. What if he hates me?" Mister Stark sounded upset.

"I know for a fact he doesn't have you. It was probably too much for him to handle right now. He's been through a lot lately." Mister Stark sighed.

"I guess you're right. I'll talk to him." I heard the door close, and footsteps approaching my bed. "Hey, Pete. How are you feeling?" His gentle words were soothing, and I felt some of the fear melt away.

"Shitty," I admitted. He chuckled quietly, easing the tension.

"I'm not surprised. Do you remember what happened?" His expression darkened slightly, but it wasn't in anger. I tried to move my arm, but the restraints caught me. I struggled for a second, before letting my arm fall limp. I didn't have the energy for this.

"Bullet..." I frowned, craning my neck to get a better view of the patch on my midsection.

"Yeah, kiddo. You were shot. You also have a concussion, so try not to strain yourself." His voice was sympathetic. "But what I'd like to know is why you were out there in the first place. I thought I gave you specific instructions not to leave the tower?" I shrunk back into the pillows. He hadn't snapped at me, or raised his voice.

"I didn't want you to get hurt."

"Why would I be hurt? Did someone threaten you?" Now there was a hint of anger in his tone, but not directed at me. "What do you mean?" Tears sprung to my eyes.

"Everyone close to me gets hurt. They all die," I choked out.

"Oh, Pete." His eyes softened. "It's ok. I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

 _well that just happened_

 _It felt short? Idk but this is about the same length as my other recent chapters soooo what's the big idea, stupid brain_

 _Check out my other shit. Please._


	15. Chapter 15

_I'm back with another one of my terrible intros_

 _Sorry it took so long but I just suffered a break up with my boyfriend of almost a year and I'm a little off right now, I'll be back to my old self eventually, but for now, read my shit_

 ** _Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel._**

* * *

Peter's P.O.V.

 _"It's ok. I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere."_

I looked up at him, staring into his sympathetic eyes.

"You mean it?" I wondered. My voice sounded high pitched, like a child, eyes widened with wonder.

"Yeah Pete. I mean it. Now, why don't we get you out of these restraints? As long as you can stay in bed, we can play some games," he suggested.

"Yeah, ok." Mister Stark pressed a button on a nearby remote, and the restraints immediately let me free. I moved my wrists quickly, afraid that they would shut again and not let me go.

"You good?" He looked at me expectantly.

"Uh... yeah, I guess. I'm ok," I answered tentatively. "I just... I don't really want to play a game right now. Can I just be by myself for a little while?"

"Oh... sure Pete. If that's what you want." He walked out, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

 _You hurt his feelings, you worthless cow._

 _Why can't you do anything right?_

 _He's only taking care of you because he has to._

 _You're so weak._

I growled, all my frustration pouring itself into anger. But it stopped as quickly as it began. I collapsed, both mentally and physically drained. I lay on my back, breathing heavily. I wanted nothing more than to break that promise I made to Mister Banner. Again.

 _"Promise me that you won't hurt yourself again."_

He had put so much trust in me... trust I clearly didn't deserve. After I made that promise, I failed a suicide attempt and got shot after unsuccessfully running away. And yet, I still was afraid of breaking that promise. I was afraid of the disappointment, the shame, the anger. But on the other hand, it would take away the pain. The pain of existing.

* * *

 _I'm sorry it's so short. I've been through a lot lately, and between that and my tendency to binge watch tv for hours, I haven't had the time to update this (lame excuse, I know) but I hope you guys can stick with me a little longer. Or a lot longer, idk we'll find out_


	16. Chapter 16

_ight_

 ** _Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel._**

* * *

Peter's P.O.V.

 _... it would take away the pain. The pain of existing._

The desire to do something, to _feel_ something was growing stronger by the minute. But I could barely stand the thought of being lectured once again by Mister Stark or Mister Banner. I sighed. Being trapped inside your own mind wasn't fun. Especially with a mind as fucked up as mine.

 _Worthless._

 _You can't do anything right._

 _Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

I wanted to scream out, to punch and kick and fight, to take away the pain... but I was being watched. As much as I hated it, I knew I couldn't really change that. Unless... unless I could.

"Hey, FRIDAY? Could you get Mister Stark for me?"

"Of course." There was a pause. "He will be with you shortly. Will that be all?"

"Yeah, thanks Fri." As soon as I finished speaking, the door burst open with a worrisome Avenger.

"Pete! Are you ok? What's wrong? FRIDAY told me I needed to get here-"

"Mister Stark, I'm fine. I was just wondering... if maybe I could go back to my room? It's much more comfortable and familiar to me, and I really need that right now." At least most of it is honest. I watch as his face conforms into a more relaxed state.

"Sure thing, kiddo. If that's what you want, it can be arranged." He smiles, and I match it with a grin equally as big, but such less authentic. Mister Stark escorts me down the hall to my room. The familiar setting definitely puts me at ease, and the bed is ten times more comfortable than the one I had been sitting on before. I spread out my arms, stretching across the bed. I sink slowly into the soft mattress and fluffy blankets that had been laid on top.

"Thanks," I whisper, guilt gnawing away at my mind. Mister Stark merely gives a nod, smiling gently from his position in the doorway. I watch as he leaves, and I wait until the echo of his footsteps are gone to shut and lock the door. Then, like a whirlwind, I start searching my room for my blade. After a solid 3 minutes of looking, I realise that it was probably confiscated.

I sigh dramatically, flopping back on the bed. For a split second, another thought crossed my mind. A loophole. Doing my best to ignore the increasingly more tempting option, I close my eyes in a feeble attempt to do something good. I know that resting is the best option right now. Except... no. No. I won't do it. I groan, clenching my teeth and gripping my hair. I want to scream, to just let it all out... but I can't. I need to hold on to the best opinions of me, the ones that depict me as a happy, carefree hero, completely sane. Not whatever I am now.

But then again... it's nearly impossible to think that about me now. So why bother trying to keep up appearances now? Especially since I haven't been doing that for awhile. What the hell, I don't have anything left to lose. I sat up, making a beeline for the bathroom, when a tiny, beaten down voice made me stop dead in my tracks.

 _"Peter,"_ the voice cried. It sounded familiar, like- May? _"Don't do this. Tony still loves you, I still love you. Everyone loves you just the same. They need you, Peter. Just as I needed you when I was alive. Please, honey, make the right choice."_ Her voice sounded cracked, like she was on the verge of tears. I was too. The hot tears dribbled from my eyes, running down my cheeks and dropping to the floor. I broke down, falling to my knees. I knew what I had heard couldn't be real. But, at the same time, I knew it wasn't fake.

I sobbed, curling up into the fetal position on the floor, hugging my knees close to my chest as I rocked back and forth steadily. May...

I barely heard the knock at the door, and when a worried looking Mister Stark ran in, I gladly reached for him. He froze, but only for a second, quickly engulfing me in a safe, warm hug. I sobbed into his shirt, letting myself be vulnerable. I felt him gently twist my arm to view my wrists, and I heard him sigh in relief when he saw only old scars there.

We sat like that, me in his arms, on the floor, for what must've been about an hour. It felt good, letting my emotions out, without having to explain myself. Mister Stark knew. He knew it was better not to talk, but to let the silence to the talking. He knew it was better to have the snot and tears on his clothes than to have the blood. He knew it was better to have me here and a mess than have me six feet under.

But he also knew that I was heading for the bathroom to slice my skin to ribbons.

* * *

 _ok I feel like the end was kinda weird? Idk whatever_

 _leave a review pleaseeeeeee it makes my day_


	17. Chapter 17

_Heh, sorry I was gone for so long oops_

 _I'm really trying to find a way to close this story, but at the same time I'm not sure I want to (cause it's my most popular story on Wattpad woah) so I'm having a lot of difficulty with that decision. Like, I'm stressed af and can't handle this rn, but also I don't want to end my most successful piece aghh_

 _Also sorry it's so short_

 _Anyways_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel.**_

* * *

Peter's P.O.V.

 _But he also knew that I was heading for the bathroom to slice my skin to ribbons._

"Pete." The voice startled me out of my thoughts, and I turned to look at the source. Mister Stark... and I was in his lap still, dry tears leaving sticky trails down my cheeks.

" _Peter_ ," he repeated, louder and more firmly this time. I reluctantly looked him in the eyes, staring at the disappointment I saw there. "We need to talk."

"Mister Stark I-"

"No, Pete, I don't want to hear you apologize. I just want to understand what's going on inside your head. I thought you were doing better, and then-" his voice cracked, and for a second it sounded like he was crying. "And then you... you do something like this!" I could hear his breathing get faster and his tone get angrier. I flinched, and Mister Stark pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing. "Look, kid, do you- do you even want to have a normal life?"

"I can't have a normal life," I stated monotonously. Mister Stark opened his mouth, then closed it, frowning. "Look at me," I continued. "I'm a teen superhero. My parents, aunt, and uncle are all dead. I live with a billionaire, who is also a superhero. Nothing about my life is normal."

"Kiddo, I know your life is weird. And I can't change that, but I can try. You're like a son to me, Pete, and that's why I want to adopt you. So you can be my actual son. Pep and I already discussed it, we got all the paperwork taken care of, now all we need is your approval." He smiled kindly at me, running circles into my back. "Whadda say?" I sniffed, nodding as fresh tears ran down my face.

"Yes," I whispered. "Please adopt me." I pushed my face back into his shirt as I cried, and felt a pair of strong arms wrap around me.

"Welcome to the family, Pete." As soon as those words left Mister Stark's lips, I felt a new warmth in my chest. I smiled, a real, genuine smile, the first one in a long time.

"Thank you, Mister Stark," I murmured, just loud enough for him to hear.

"You can call me dad now." I choked out a few more tears. Dad. I haven't had a dad in such a long time. And now, not only did I have a dad, but a mom, and a family that extended so much further.

And, for the first time in a long time, I had hope for the future.

* * *

 _yay! Maybe this can have a happy ending after all_

 _So I'm thinking there might only be 2 or 3 more chapters left of this story. The day this ends will be a sad one, but also a really incredible one. When I started this story, I was a lot like Peter. I was depressed, anxious, I didn't cut but I did self harm, and I was really suicidal. Over a year later, I've become much happier, I stopped self harming, had less of an urge to kill myself, and became satisfied with who I am. I'm still anxious and depressed, but it's gotten so much better over this past year. For all of you reading this who are like me, there is hope. It doesn't seem like it, but there is. And if anyone ever needs someone to talk to, message me anytime._

 _I love all of you, always._


	18. Chapter 18

_this is the last chapter. I'm so sorry it had to end, especially after all we've been through together. As always, I love your comments, and your votes. I appreciate all the love and support from all of you. This last chapter is kinda like a reflection on the events of this story, and it's all over the place but I feel like it has the right message. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the final chapter of The Pain of Existing._

 _...buuuuuuut before we begin I want to take y'all back to the very first chapter, where I said 102°F was, and I quote, "dangerously high". Quite a few of you commented on that, and I just wanna say that 102° is really high for me, like my temperature could be like 99.6° and I'll be pretty sick so idk_

 ** _Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel._**

* * *

Peter's P.O.V.

 _For the first time in a long time, I had hope for the future._

"Dad," I whispered. "Dad." The word felt foreign on my lips, unused to having a father figure in my life. I knew, from the moment I said it, that Mister Stark being my new dad was going to be the best thing to ever happen to me.

"That's right Pete," he smiled, tears in his eyes. "My son."

* * *

The next few days were some of the strangest I've ever had. I quickly went from having no family, to a large one. Of course, nobody was blood related, but we had become close enough to become our own version of a family. I was wary at first, but slowly started to reach out to the other Avengers. I learned that most of the team has also dealt with loss, and we bonded over tragedy.

But what I am most proud of, my biggest accomplishment, was finally being able to quit self harm. It wasn't easy, and it took a long time. The relapses were the worst. I would be doing ok for awhile, then break down. But the scars on my wrists and thighs are healing, mostly thanks to my abilities. Uncle Bruce says I won't have to live with the scars, at the rate they're healing. Which was a relief, knowing that I can start again, try to enjoy my second chance.

I think, in part, that I owe my new life to my dad.

After he found me in my room crying, he set up a therapy session. At first, I was nervous, trying to build up my broken walls so this strange woman wouldn't be able to see the cracks in my foundation. But, after a few sessions, I was able to open up more to her. Now, nearly three months later, I look forward to my weekly therapy appointment.

I want to be able to patch up the broken pieces of my heart, to seal over the cracks and make it whole again. Of course, you can't expect something to be the same as it was before it broke. For me, it was gradual. The cracks began with the death of my parents, but Aunt May's death was the breaking point, when the tiny piece of my heart that held the rest together shattered.

Therapy has helped me find the pieces and put them back into place. My new relationships with the other Avengers acted as the glue. My heart has been fixed, but the scars still remain. Glue isn't perfect, it can't restore something to its original state. Something will always be different after it has been broken. The only difference between a heart and a vase is that you can't replace a heart. The memories will live on forever, connected to you by the veins of life, those same veins I tried to break 3 months ago.

I guess what I'm trying to say here, is that things can change. Whether it's for better or for worse, I can't say, but if you want it bad enough, if people around you want it for you, it can always be better. I never liked change until I understood that, no matter what, no matter how deep the shit is, you can dig yourself out. Sometimes you can't do it by yourself, sometimes you need a little help. But if you really, truly want to escape it, you can.

It hurts, it's hard, but it can be worth it. I still have my bad days. I have days where I'm tempted to relapse, to feel the sweet relief spilling from my veins. Those days are the worst. They make me realize all the progress I've made could be ruined in one little swipe of a blade. But they also are a reminder that not all days are like that. A lot of the time now, I feel happy, or at least content. Those days are my favorite. It's easier for me to enjoy myself, to _feel_ and be _felt_.

I've found happiness in things I never knew I enjoyed, like pranking with Clint or helping Steve with technology. And of course I still have science. I've been made an honorary science bro, working alongside Dad and Uncle Bruce. I train with Auntie Nat almost everyday, learning quickly and becoming faster. I've learned that we both share a secret love for rom-coms, and we have a weekly movie night, just the two of us.

Ever since I joined the Avengers family, I've felt way more at home in the large tower. The hallways don't seem as dark and cold as they used to, because I know just beyond the wall is one of my many family members. We've all become close, like a tightly woven basket. I know that anyone in the tower would be willing to listen, but I still find it easiest to confide in Uncle Bruce and my dad. Nat is a close third. Everyone has been really supportive these past few months, always willing to lend a hand, or an ear, to help me out.

I haven't gone back to school yet, but I don't think I will at all. Living with some of the world's most famous scientists has helped to teach me more than I would ever learn at school.

I think that if I was to start over, go back to the moment when shit hit the fan, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't change anything. And I know that's not what you expect to hear, especially after hearing about everything that happened, but I really, truly mean those words. I don't want to change who I am. After working so hard to finally understand myself, I wouldn't want to go back and change that. I'm proud to be able to say that I accept who I am today. I respect that my journey has brought me pain. Within that pain, I was able to find light, and with the help of my family, we've turned that light into a piece of me. And that is why I wouldn't change a thing.

* * *

 _ **Peter's journey, summed up in 18 lines:**_

 _I close my eyes, and am out in seconds._

 _"You better have a damn good explanation for this."_

 _"It takes away... the pain of existing."_

 _Eventually, I feel my eyelids growing heavy, and fall asleep._

 _"Why do I have to lose everyone I love?"_

 _That's when I hear the sirens._

 _"Hey, hey, it's ok, everything's going to be just fine."_

 _I'm slightly surprised, but I don't argue._

 _"It's ok kid, I'll take care of you."_

 _"FRIDAY, how do you adopt someone?"_

 _He would be ok- wouldn't he?_

 _"Sleep well, kiddo."_

 _"G'night, 'ister Stark."_

 _"It's ok. I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere."_

 _... it would take away the pain. The pain of existing._

 _But he also knew that I was heading for the bathroom to slice my skin to ribbons._

 _For the first time in a long time, I had hope for the future._

 _And that is why I wouldn't change a thing._

* * *

 _ohhhh fuck oh shit I'm crying I can't believe this is the end ahhhhh no_

 _The last part looks like it could be some kind of twisted poem?_

 _Well, I guess the only thing left to do is promote my other stories..._

 _Far From Life is a collection of Spiderman whump oneshots (if you liked this you'll probably enjoy that as well)_

 _A Leap of Faith is a short story, similar to this one but a lot shorter and less emotionally painful_

 _In the Life is also depressing, but that one is based on my own life and most of it actually happened (there will most likely be a part 2 to that, coming soon!)_

 _And if you ship Reddie (IT)..._

 _I've got a collection of oneshots (Reddie One Shots!), along with 3 longer stories ( What a Feeling!, Dirty Little Secret, The Worst Kind of Sickness) and a short story (Terminal) which is currently a Wattpad exclusive, but I'm looking to change that. Go check them out please!_


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